Mexico Meditation Retreat: Journal Excerpt

“Most of the time, the universe speaks to us very quietly…
in pockets of silence, in coincidences, in nature, in forgotten memories,
in the shape of clouds, in moments of solitude, in small tugs at our hearts.”
— Yumi Sakugawa

Listening with the Heart

I believe the universe speaks to us constantly in a thousand ways.  And as each day of the retreat went by, I could feel myself becoming more present and open to receiving her messages.  After meditation one day we had a fifteen-minute break.  I hurried back to the room to use the restroom and noticed a spider in the sink.  I have a deep reverence for spiders and carefully tried to avoid getting her all wet and went on my way.  On my walk back to the meditation hall I noticed a large spider web glistening in the sunlight.  And when I got back to the hall, I stood looking out the back window where I noticed, yet another spider web near the ground.  It was lit by the sunlight and kept flashing in the breeze.  I quietly noted all of these things and sat down to meditate.

Later during the group session we were describing what we sensed in the space between us.  The spider images flashed through my mind and I hesitated to mention them.  But then I noticed the walls of the meditation hall, which reminded me of Indra’s net and felt I had to speak up.  I told the group that in my mind’s eye I saw us all caught in a giant spider web, like the webs made of vines that composed the walls.  Just as in Indra’s net, we all felt each other’s movements and reflected each other’s brilliance.  The group picked up on the web theme and ran with it going this way and that…weaving together lovely images of our shared experience.  Towards the end someone said they appreciated my connection to nature.  It made me laugh and I said, “Well, I didn’t think this would go over well, but I also saw in my mind’s eye that SHE (the spider) devoured us all.”  The group laughed and several people commented further about being devoured by love itself.  This was just a small example, but I felt the universe was showing me how it communicates both to me and through me.

“I never wanted a quiet, sensible sort of love. I wanted to be devoured.” – Beau Taplin 

Within You is the Light of a Thousand Suns.

Within You is Unimaginable Beauty.

— Robert Adams

Another example occurred the next day when I walked into the meditation hall and noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I happened to see Don, a beautiful, humble man who is an antiques repair person, standing in the middle of the room on top of the mandala inlaid in the floor. He was looking down at it studying the wood, but also feeling the energy of standing in this most auspicious of spaces. It was a quiet and powerful scene. It happened in less than five seconds, but I was awestruck by it.

Later, when the group began our discussion, someone mentioned the mandala in the floor and said they felt the energy of it. I brought up the moment with Don and described it to the group. It was like popcorn. After I said that, someone said each of us should stand in the middle to be seen by the group…and then someone else stood up and had their time in the middle…and then another and another. It was so much fun to see how we all built the space together and it was quite a high feeling. To me, it was a sign that indeed, these “small tugs at our hearts” are the universe communicating to us if we are receptive.

The Still Point of Destruction

One day I had the song, “Love is the Seventh Wave” by Sting in my head. It has great lyrics that were pertinent to what we were talking about in the group. One phrase of the song, in particular, kept repeating in my head. And it was, “At the still point of destruction.” I bring this up because in meditation, probably around the fifth day or so, I had an experience I’ve never had before. I was sitting in meditation and I had a visual come to mind. I saw a “U” shape and there was a ball rolling up one side of the “U” and then down and up the other side. It was a subtle rolling back and forth...until the ball eventually came to a complete rest in the middle…at the still point.

In that moment I felt incredible joy…no movement, no thought, utter stillness.  After some time, the thoughts returned and I had the feeling that I was at exactly the right place at the right time. I didn’t want to be anyplace else but where I was.  There was a realization that I am almost always rushing around. But "at the still point" there was a complete and utter relaxation into the present moment and a sense of deep contentment.

At the still point of destruction

At the center of the fury
All the angels, all the devils
All around us, can't you see?

There is a deeper wave than this

Rising in the land

There is a deeper wave than this

Nothing will withstand

I said, love is the seventh wave

— Sting